We feel the need to issue a Holiday Health Warning. An apparently happy visitor has been taking a 1500 metre run up and down a steep rough track, adding an extra circuit for each day of the holiday. Thank heavens he was not here a fortnight. His wife said he seemed a bit tired, and slept a lot.
We emphasize that we are not responsible for shortness of breath, palpitations, spousal complaint, or athlete’s foot.
Things to think about:
- Don’t make a resolution or give up something just before or while on holiday. Bad temper is not helpful to holiday atmosphere.
- Charge your family a pound if they mention work, politics, or relations – and the holiday will pay for itself.
- If you throw something away, you will need it tomorrow.
- A mobile phone doesn’t work everywhere in Cornwall- so try and pretend you don’t have one.
- On a long car journey, drink a litre of water. This will prevent dehydration, help mental alertness, force journey breaks, and improve car safety.
- Never discuss politics, sex, money or religion.
- Eating oysters- a great delicacy- enlivens a family meal.
- Keep your wellington boots ever by you, but do not wear them in bed.
- A house is not a home without an onion.
- Smile at each member of your family, every day of the holiday. The worst they can say is that you are insane. They may even love you for it.
- Eden Project: arrive as they open, or at 1.45pm- never arrive mid morning: queues can be terrible.
- Don’t sing at the table- unless it is Handel.
- You can’t get milk without breeding cattle.
- The older you get, the less you have to listen.
- Always keep a leek in your socks: If you need to know why, please phone Forgotten Houses Office.
- One ear should always be aware of the music.
- Never pass a lavatory without using it- you never know when you will see another.
- Drive your car to brush the side the hedge; keep very tight to the left on left hand corners. Don’t swing out.
- To avoid being hit from the right, drive tight to the left hand side when corners bend right; avoid panicking oncoming cars.
- Don’t try and avoid scratches from the hedges, or your car will be in the middle of the road. Wear with pride the marks received from Cornish hedges.
- If you always expect the worst, I suppose it might be a bit better.
- Divide your money and cards into three places around your body: socks, waist and pocket.
- Never go swimming- it is impossible to hide your possessions.