Forgotten Houses

Health Warning

An apparently happy visitor has been taking a 1500 metre run up and down a steep rough track, adding an extra circuit for each day of the holiday. Thank heavens he was not here a fortnight. His wife said he seemed a bit tired, and slept a lot.

We emphasize that we are not responsible for shortness of breath, palpitations, spousal complaint, or athlete's foot.

Things to think about:

• Don't make a resolution or give up something just before or while or on holiday. Bad temper is not helpful to holiday atmosphere
• Charge your family a pound if they mention, work, politics, or relations - and the holiday will pay for itself
• If you throw something away, you will need it tomorrow.
• A mobile phone doesn't work everywhere in Cornwall- so try and pretend you don't have one
• On a long car journey, drink a litre of water. This will prevent dehydration, help mental alertness, force journey breaks, and improve car safety.
• Never discuss politics, sex, money or religion
• Eating Oysters- a great delicacy- enlivens a family meal
• Keep your Wellington boots ever by you, but do not wear them in bed.
• A house is not a home without an onion
• Smile at each member of your family, every day of the holiday. The worst they can say is that you are insane. They may even love you for it.
• Eden Project: arrive as they open, or at 1.45pm- never arrive mid morning: queues can be terrible
• Don't sing at the table- unless it is Handel
• You can't get milk without breeding cattle
• The Older you get, the less you have to listen
• Always keep a leek in your socks: If you need to know why, please phone Forgotten Houses Office
• One ear should always be aware of the music
• Never pass a lavatory without using it- you never know when you will see another
• Drive your car to brush the side the hedge; Keep very tight to the left on left hand corners. Don't swing out.
• To avoid being hit from the right, Drive tight to the left hand side when corners bend right; avoid panicking oncoming cars.
• Don't try and avoid scratches from the hedges, or your car will be in the middle of the road. Wear with pride the marks received from Cornish hedges.
• If you always expect the worst, I suppose it might be a bit better
• Divide your money and cards into three places around your body: socks, waist and pocket.
• Never go swimming- it is impossible to hide your possessions.